a window to my soul


I am thinking too much today. I am thinking to much and I cant stop. I am thinking too much, I cant stop and so I am breathing poorly. I am thinking too much, I cant stop it and I even had too much espresso.
I think I will go take a walk and shoot some film. Shooting film requires patience and my hand has to be still. I cant, but breath before I take the shot. Yes, shooting still will help today.
I have no plan. I have no plan. I have no plan.
This is all that I can think about in my head. I have so many things to do,but I cant do them today because apparently my not having a plan is paralyzing me.
What will I be when I grow-up? Oh, wait, I am already grown-up.
I hate this sensation, it happens to me every once in a while and I am so capable of fighting it, but I wish I just did not have it.
Well, today I chose to take the bull by the balls and so I sit, I sit and stare at my window while the Rabbi next door starts his mincha prayer. I close my eyes, listen to his words and start OMing as loud as I can so that my voice meshes with his like in a chorus. It will all pass. And an hour later it did pass.
The heart stops beating so fast, the thoughts slightly slow down, the profusing sweating calms, the mind chatters turns into action. I am up. I am up at my computer and I am typing away the introduction to my book. Then I open my email and send a couple of story ideas to some Italian magazines. I am on a roll.
I have one month left in this country, a visa that expires in two days, no job when I get back in the States, a book to publish, an exhibit to organize, some thousand dollars to pay off my credit cards, no plane ticket back, an expired driving license to take of, but it all again seems like nothing and so I roll off the chair once more, take my foldable bike and ride off to teach a Yoga class, the last for the day.
Thank G-d I have this “internal freak out session” few hours before the Yoga class. So now I can teach others there is indeed such wisdom in meditation. And it is necessary daily to have the capacity to keep on going toward the direction of our dreams.
Erev Tov from Nachlaot~

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