More often than not, I give the privilege to certain people to enter the deepest corner of my soul too quickly. I do it because I trust human beings as the most nurturing creatures on the planet and I believe that everyone must be given a chance to show me who they are before I push them away. But, unfortunately, this recurring quick turn-around, it’s not healthy because along with my soul, unwilling so, goes my heart. Always too quickly and too deeply to catch up again with my head. And, before I even know it, I am crying myself to sleep for a man I barely knew for five minutes, but who touched me deeper than one I may have know for five years.
I feel silly because I build a sand castle with a weak base, believing that along the way I would be able to re-inforce the bottom while still building the top higher and higher, well…this does not work because sooner or later the wind will come and the castle with a weak base, will crumble before my eyes like it was never built before.
I am really not trying to be dramatic at all, just a realist and a bit judgmental with myself, because at 29 I should know better and I should just see the wind before it becomes a storm, I should act to stop it and avoid the sand to spread everywhere before it hits.
I am what I like to call, “a wild wolf with a heart made of sugar,” I fight for everything I want to get in life and I always get to it, but one thing is still very complicated for me to understand: Why do I keep chasing after Love when I should know that it should chase after me instead? And why, when I see something is not working out, I fear letting go sooner rather than later to hurt less. Why, actually do I hurt at all when there is really nothing to pain over for?
Thankfully, I am very quick in healing myself as well, so I am sure in a couple of days I will be re-reading this Blog and I would be saying how silly I was to write it in the first place, but I do believe there is reason for us to live in the present and to share that present with the world around us in that precise moment. So, when we go back in time, we see the progress we have made and we learn from our previous mistakes.
So, I am purposely writing this blog out loud, to remind myself that this is the LAST time I go through this process of self-mutilation. I am extremely unhappy with the way I deal with my emotion in a very superficial way. I am a Yogi and I know myself inside out, I MUST control my mind more and allow my heart to be guided only by my INSTINCT and nothing else.
I deserve peace of mind. I want peace of mind. Whomever else shakes that shall not cross my path ever again. PERIOD. Especially if my path is the one of a wonderful photography project on the most “resilient and brilliant” ladies of all time here in Eretz Israel.
ps: check out my very first photo exhibit at Sygmond, the bar here in Rehavya on Aza Street…my photos will be there for one month until the beginning of August. If you live in Jerusalem, go in and take a pick. Here is a little pre-view for you.